


No Longer Strong Enough

by idk_books



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Kombucha, Wayhaught - Freeform, coming home, eighteen months
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26649691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idk_books/pseuds/idk_books
Summary: Nicole has waited for 18 months for Waverly to come back and she's barely held it together. But even now that they're reunited, things are far from back to where they were
Relationships: Nicole Haught & Rachel Valdez (Wynonna Earp TV), Nicole Haught & Randy Nedley, Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp & Nicole Haught
Comments: 1
Kudos: 42





	No Longer Strong Enough

**Author's Note:**

> This is an angsty one shot from before we get to 405. I tried to capture some of the inner turmoil that we got glimpses of although I'm not sure that I did it justice :/

Nicole was used to being strong. She would even say she was good at it. Even before she met Waverly, she prided herself on being tough. Her parents’ ‘unique’ style of raising her meant that she’d learnt quickly to take care of herself and those around her: when your parents consider a music festival and an occult massacre to be appropriate childcare, you quickly learn how to protect yourself. Coming to Purgatory had meant uprooting everything she’d known but the roots she’d left behind hadn’t gone deep and she was more than happy to dig them up. In Purgatory she’d found her family and she’d found Waverly and at last she’d got roots that went deeper than she ever thought they could. Waverly was the person to ground her strength; Nicole being there for her and protecting her gave her somewhere to channel her toughness other than mere self-preservation. Waverly was strong too, stronger than she’d ever know, and was more than capable of protecting herself but she’d had to contend with so much throughout her life that Nicole felt the least she could do was to keep it together for her and keep her safe. From the moment she’d put on the Stetson for the first time in the sheriff’s department, she knew she was always meant to come back to Purgatory but Waverly (and Wynonna and Doc and Jeremy and Dolls and Nedley) were why she knew she had to stay. 

But then Waverly left. Not a had a bad argument and needed some space and left for couple of days leaving but more of a had to go to The Garden of Eden and save the world departure. At first Nicole hoped she’d be gone for a couple of days at the most especially after Wynonna had followed her in there to rescue her. But then a week went past and then a month and then six months and she was beginning to feel that all of her strength had been used up in hoping for something that might never happen.

With her friends in The Garden, allies were few and far between. Despite being there when Wynonna drugged them, Jeremy and Robin were now nowhere to be seen. She hoped they were together and she hoped they were safe but she was pissed that she hadn’t heard anything from the. Mercedes and Nedley were a whole other story. Nedley had always been there, whether she’d known it or not, from the moment he’d rescued her when she was a kid. And now he was gone too. He’d entrusted her with the position of sheriff and she’d managed a matter of months until she squandered the opportunity by smashing up her leg and barricading herself in someone else’s house with a teenager she barely knew. None of this gave off the aura of measured responsibility.

Things got worse with the sheriff election and that became something else she lost. She tried with her campaign but obviously not hard enough; it’s hard to focus on local politics when you’re being attacked from all directions. She found she was relieved when the authority was no longer hers and there was someone else to take on the mantle of responsibility as she was clearly no longer up to the task. But then it quickly transpired that he was definitely not up to it either and and the guilt of what happened haunted her still. If she’d been stronger and campaigned harder, the centre of Purgatory wouldn’t be filled with dead bodies as mob justice took hold. As all of this was happening and her world crumbled around her, all she could think about was how she was going to explain it to the others when, if, they came back. Explain to them that she’d let everything they’d ever known completely fall apart.

Luckily she had Rachel. Rachel, who knew what it was to be alone, and was eager for a friend even if that friend was Nicole. She was keen to learn and became the one to really hold The Homestead together. Nicole’s entire existence had been defined by taking care of others and Rachel gave her something of herself to hold onto. She also helped to keep Waverly real and present: Nicole had told her so many stories about her girlfriend that Rachel’s desperation to meet her for real did a lot to keep the hope alive that she would come back. And of course she wanted to see Wynonna again. She’d made quite the impression at the BBD facility. But now Wynonna was also trapped in The Garden that she’d had to travel to alone because Nicole messed up her leg too badly to be of any help and it was looking like she was going to be someone else that she’d lost.

In her darkest moments, Nicole feared what might have happened if Rachel hadn’t been there with her to ground her and push her forwards. Rachel had already been through so much even before Nicole dropped into her life and was relying on Nicole in ways that she hadn’t experienced before. Rachel who managed to stay relentlessly optimistic and kept them going with bottomless kombucha and baffled her with pop culture references. Nicole didn’t need to stick around just for The Homestead and the hope that they’d come back, it was for Rachel too.

***

When a year had passed, that was when she really started to think she’d never see Waverly again and that The Homestead and Rachel might have to be enough: Waverly and Wynonna and Doc and even Jeremy and Robin would have to just be figures from her past, only to be kept alive in her memories. She’d tried everything: she’d scoured the woods for Peacemaker and for the stairs. They’d even gone back to the BBD facility to see if the portal could be opened again but no dice. There was nothing left for her to try, nothing that she could do without making yet more screw-ups. But, if she was honest, any screw-up or risk felt worth it because she didn’t really want to contemplate living in a would without her family.

Then Waverly had appeared from out of nowhere behind the tree and Nicole thought she must be hallucinating. She hadn’t dare hope that it would work, that she’d find a way to bring her back. But there she was, exactly the same as she was the day she’d gone into The Garden and for a moment she’d forgotten the cost of bringing Waverly back to her. No hallucination could be as powerful as the way it felt to finally have her in her arms, to finally be able to kiss her. As they came back together at last, she wished fervently that the clichés were true and it would feel like they’d never been apart but the legacy of those eighteen months cut deep even with Waverly beside her.

With Waverly there in front of her, she fought hard to hide the weight of what she’d done. She was terrified of letting on just how vulnerable she’d become but the effort of holding it together only served to pull her apart more. For Waverly, hardly any time had passed: she was the same person she’d been eighteen months ago and had clearly expected Nicole to be the same.She wanted so badly to be the person she’d been before, not just for Waverly but for the whole of Purgatory and herself, but she was afraid that was a person she’d never be again.

Waverly was still all of the things Nicole loved most about her: she was still happy and affectionate and loving and all of the things that made her so wonderful. Nicole was so scared to be apart from her in case she disappeared again but she was also scared to do anything to strengthen their connection as she couldn’t trust the permanence of anything any more especially after what she’d done. She would brush aside every mention of the proposal even though all she wanted was to be Waverly’s wife but the fear that Waverly wouldn’t want to be hers kept her from any affirmation. With every other sentence, Waverly was telling her she loved her but Nicole kept finding her response would get stuck in her throat.

She kept catching Wynonna looking at her with a look that was completely absent of mockery and filled entirely with concern which was chilling in how uncharacteristic it was. Her wise cracks and put downs were notable in their absence where Nicole was concerned as she joined everyone else with their endless reassurance which, despite its intentions, just felt empty. Nicole had liked to be the one to shoulder the concerns of others; she hated to be the cause of it for her friends and it was starting to feel that her insecurity was rocking the foundations of the entire group.

The revelation that she wasn’t sheriff had taken them all by surprise and whilst they were disappointed, they made it clear they weren’t disappointed in her. Being disappointed in herself was reserved purely for Nicole. And then they were introduced to the ogre. The ogre that had been plaguing her for so long and who no matter how hard she fought and how many traps she set, would keep coming back. She thought that once she had back up, the ogre would finally meet its match. She’d always been so good at looking out for people and at making the right calls. That was why Nedley chose her as his successor and then it turned out she’d spent over a year trying to kill him. Some thank you. The one person who’d stuck around she didn’t see until everyone came back to help. She’d lost her status and the respect of the whole town and had nearly lost the closest thing to a father she’d ever had. And she was beginning to fear that she would lose her girlfriend before she could ever become her fiancée.

As everything continued to crumble around her, the feeling of having done something horrifying followed her everywhere. She knew her family was back but only because of something she’d done, something she couldn’t name but she felt in her gut was truly terrible. Waverly would be curled up next to her with her hands and lips heading to all of the right places but Nicole couldn’t focus. She would start at every sound; every door shutting or gust of wind was a call to arms. She had to keep protecting, to keep striving or her world would continue to fall apart. Whatever it was that she had done was going to catch up with her, she was sure of it, and it was going to drag everyone she loved into her mess and maybe they’d never get out of it.

Keeping everyone safe had always been second nature to her but things had really got the better of her now and she didn’t think she had what it took to make it right.


End file.
